I am weak in relationships. I am beginning to feel increasingly like that. It’s for the first time I am living away from home having, been with folks all through my studies. Now I got a job away from home and my parents, though concerned, let me go to a different city and live. Im under pressure both from my boyfriend and girlfriend.
During studies it was girls with whom I spent more time. When I was 17, there was one classmate who was particularly close to me. We were good friends and she used to come to my house very often. Even when she closed to door of my room, my parents never objected. She was much more aggressive and smarter than me. As everyone we also used to discuss all naughty things, boys, girls, sex and everything thing related to it.
One day when she came home parents had just gone out. She was quite bubbly. As we joked and laughed about tits, she groped me on my boobs. Taken aback, I moved her hand away. But, later I realised that she quite charmingly strong, and so she persuaded me and ensured that I enjoyed the experience. She also got me to massage her tits as well, and she kissed and later smooched me. This was the first physical contact ever with any person.
I was curious. One it was done secretly and there was an element of adventure to it. She used to bring my favourite chocobars; and I love sweets of that kind. When she came, if I was in the mood, which she was an expert at guessing, she made the first move. In fact it was she who always made the first move. She would first kiss me, massage my boobs over the top I was wearing, then slowly put her hand inside, and run her fingers all over, even down below. She will get me excited, which would put me in the mood and I would do the same things to her. We fingered.
After the initial hesistation I was beginning to enjoy it all. We gradually went to the extent spending about an hour a week doing it. In fact, when she came, I was beginning to look forward to it. It was a deep relationship.
After our studies, she moved away to another college. I was in deep depression. But at the same time, I was steady with a boyfriend. That was another big mess I fell into. In order to overcome the absence of my girlfriend, I began to give into the guy. I did all that he wanted. I smoked, drank, let him kiss me, grope me, touch me. I knew I was week, but he was sweet and so wonderful, so I thought if not girl, this guy is satisfying me. One evening I ended up at his house and got laid for the first time. We did it once, and then again. It happened again. After a few months, I fet he was suspicious since I was close to girls as well. Also, I began to see many other girls with him.
One day the sort of intimacy he showed to another girl in front of me gave me the feeling he isn’t interested in me. He wasn’t sincere, that he was using me. Slowly I wasn’t getting the sort of happiness I used to get from him. I found he was drinking far too often than before. Over a few months, he curtly told me he was leaving the city as he landed a new job. I wasn’t regretting it so much.
I have been careful, and never got into a deep relationship. It’s these two intial experiences that has confused me. I found my relationshiop with the girl much easier to handle than with the guy. She was understanding me much better. It is all over in another place.
Here I am in a new place, new people, new friends. As both girls and boys try to befriend me, I am careful. One reason, is the utter confusion about myself.
