I am weak in relationships. I am beginning to feel increasingly like that. It’s for the first time I am living away from home having, been with folks all through my studies. Now I got a job away from home and my parents, though concerned, let me go to a different city and live. Im under pressure both from my boyfriend and girlfriend.

During studies it was girls with whom I spent more time. When I was 17, there was one classmate who was particularly close to me. We were good friends and she used to come to my house very often. Even when she closed to door of my room, my parents never objected. She was much more aggressive and smarter than me. As everyone we also used to discuss all naughty things, boys, girls, sex and everything thing related to it.

One day when she came home parents had just gone out. She was quite bubbly. As we joked and laughed about tits, she groped me on my boobs. Taken aback, I moved her hand away. But, later I realised that she quite charmingly strong, and so she persuaded me and ensured that I enjoyed the experience. She also got me to massage her tits as well, and she kissed and later smooched me. This was the first physical contact ever with any person.

I was curious. One it was done secretly and there was an element of adventure to it. She used to bring my favourite chocobars; and I love sweets of that kind.  When she came, if I was in the mood, which she was an expert at guessing, she made the first move. In fact it was she who always made the first move. She would first kiss me, massage my boobs over the top I was wearing, then slowly put her hand inside, and run her fingers all over, even down below. She will get me excited, which would put me in the mood and I would do the same things to her. We fingered.

After the initial hesistation I was beginning to enjoy it all. We gradually went to the extent spending about an hour a week doing it. In fact, when she came, I was beginning to look forward to it. It was a deep relationship.

After our studies, she moved away to another college. I was in deep depression. But at the same time, I was steady with a boyfriend. That was another big mess I fell into. In order to overcome the absence of my girlfriend, I began to give into the guy. I did all that he wanted. I smoked, drank, let him kiss me, grope me, touch me. I knew I was week, but he was sweet and so wonderful, so I thought if not girl, this guy is satisfying me. One evening I ended up at his house and got laid for the first time. We did it once, and then again. It happened again. After a few months, I fet he was suspicious since I was close to girls as well. Also, I began to see many other girls with him.

One day the sort of intimacy he showed to another girl in front of me gave me the feeling he isn’t interested in me. He wasn’t sincere, that he was using me. Slowly I wasn’t getting the sort of happiness I used to get from him. I found he was drinking far too often than before. Over a few months, he curtly told me he was leaving the city as he landed a new job. I wasn’t regretting it so much.

I have been careful, and never got into a deep relationship. It’s these two intial experiences that has confused me. I found my relationshiop with the girl much easier to handle than with the guy. She was understanding me much better. It is all over in another place.

Here I am in a new place, new people, new friends. As both girls and boys try to befriend me, I am careful. One reason, is the utter confusion about myself.

The hangover of last evening’s 4 hours of outing has left a very sweet aftertaste. He fills my mind, he fills my time, the fills my thoughts. This is the first time I’m away from my folks, on my own. So last evenings outing was special. I’m free to do what I want to. I’ve lots desires. The freedom is tempting me to give expression to my fantasies.

My roomie was very excited today. I dont konw what she was upto yesterday. May be something similar to what I was up to. As I was looking out through the window, she came from behind, and hugged me with her arms clasped around my stomach. She kissed my back and pressed her face. As she ran her lips over the back of my neck, the tickle sent a wave of excitement down. She had a cigarette in her hand. She placed it on my lips. I sucked it deep, and let the smoke out.

I wasn’t sure what she was up to. But she seemed to be enjoying pressing her chest against her back. She let loose her arm, turned to the right and planted a sweet kiss on my cheeks as we joked and laughed over all the naughty things she takes so much delight in talking about. 

I sprang out of bed with excitement. Because, today was the day I would be going out with Brads. I had to go to office. But since boss was going out of station, I could get back home by 2 pm.

After lunch I got busy deciding what to wear. I didn’t want to give away too much on the first day. At the same time, I didn’t want to look so boring. I was a bit confused as to which bra I should wear, since I had a few with various amounts of padding. I wear a padded bra to the office generally. It makes me feel confident and peppy.

Now I didn’t want to wear one which gave a totally wrong dimension of my figure. But at the same time I wanted one that he would like. So, I wore one which enhanced my feature somewhat more than that I have. Then, I pulled up a new blue jeans and red top that wasn’t too loose. I spent some time before the mirror turning around all sides, and I was quite happy the way I looked.

Around 4 we met at the chosen place. We reached almost simultaneously. He pulled up the car a couple of minutes after I reached there. I was casually by quite nicely dressed. This is my first outing here and one after a long time. As I settled down in my seat, he extended his left hand, palm upwards; I kept my right on it as we clasped our palm and I felt he squeezed my hand gently. We looked at each other and smiled. I felt really good.

So, where do we head for I asked? Where ever you want, dear, he said. As we cracked jokes and talked nonsense, he drove out of the city for a distance.  We stopped at a roadside eatery to have tea and stretch oursevles. Then, we drove back. I guess he too was nervous during this first trip.

We drove into a pub, and settled in a quiet corner. Ordered draught beer and lots of finger chips and fried ground nuts. I didn’t know he smoked. Until I saw the packet of cigarettes. I haven’t been a smoker really, though my sister smokes. Now that I am away from home, I did buy. Initially Brads seemed to be a bit nervous to let me know that he smoked. But when I told him I too smoked occasionally, he seemed to be completely relaxed. We lit up cigarettes and drank mugs of beer. But we were careful not to have too much, bec he had to drive.

I didn’t want this evening to end. Actually wanted to just keeping on drinking and smoking… But It was a time that was well spent. Relaxed a lot, got to know Brads. He dropped me back home; and we kissed each other goodbye. I changed and within minutes of hitting the bed, with romantic of thoughts of the wonderful evening to drifted into sleep quickly. 

Haven’t just been getting time to write. Work, work, work. It has been really hectic. I used to come home a bit late and on a few days I was even took tired to watch TV. In between two days back my friend Brads and I did get some time to spend together. I excused myself for two hours from office during a lean patch of time and got out with him. It was the first time I was going to spend so much time with him and I didn’t know how it would go. He said we will drive around for a while and then have lunch. I said yes. Basically he is quite affable,and a nice sense of humour. We discussed movies to books to politics to cooking to travel. He likes to drive. I didn’t tell him that I would like to be driven around. Then he would have said okay we will go tomorrow and I would have had difficulty saying no, and all complications. We went to chic restaurant. The best part is, we have decided to meet on Saturday. Wow!

This guy about whom I was talking last time is really sweet. He calls himself Brads though that has nothing to do with his real name. He doesn’t work in my office. But keeps coming for work with us, and also meets boss. We first began interacting very officially for work. Slowly I think we have finding some common wavelength.

It’s good to have someone like that who is of your wavelength, is it not? Brads is considerate even if not loving. Because, the last boyfriend showed all signs of love; but somehow I felt it wasn’t coming from the depth of his heart. He can hold hands, hug, kiss and do whatever, but it is not an extension of a deep longing, it’sn’t genuine.

That’s why I am going slow on Brads as well. Guys do everything to win a girl’s heart, but I think girls must wait to see if that’s a real effort. I don’t know, that’s what I feel after my experiences. I am ready for causal flings, I think I am. But I must know it’s a casual fling, so I won’t get too involved.  

O, it’s so confusing! At home my room mate girl friend is getting closer and closer. At office, my boss, whose secretary I am, is trying hard to impress me! Can you beat that?! I thought as an employee it was I who should impress him!

Yesterday, he was in such a relaxed mood, he told me to come with him for lunch. He’s an impressive guy. Probably it’s my longingness for someone that’s making me think he’s showing off. He deseves credit and admiration. He is young, tough, and quite efficient. I’ve never given a chance to him to shout at me. I dread the day he may get angry with me. He was praising my work and said my command over English was very good. I blushed but he lifted my mood so much.

When I came home, my room mate asked me why I was in such high spirits. I didn’t say anything but flashed a sweet smile. There was one more reason for feeling so good. I seemed to be vibing well with a guy. He is such a sweet, so softspoken, helpfull and considerate… More later…

After the incident on dress, on which I blogged last, I have been ruminating about my room mate. She is a newcomer to the hostel where I stay. We have just been getting to know each other when the “short shorts” incident happened.

For those who don’t know about it, some days back when I had put on a very short shorts, which showed my thighs, my room mate kept looking and a few times even patted my thighs.

I don’t know whether I let out unintentionally any hints about my “preferances” to her. I have had both girls and boys as my friends, very close friends, with whom I have discussed everything, love, relationships and sex. But, because of my stict upbringing, I have not been in any great deep relationships any time, though I’ve had brief causal physical encounters.   

My roomie’s behaviour did disturb me a bit initially, wondering what she will come up with, and wondering if I may get involved more intensely with her. She hasn’t moved in any forceful manner in any direction towards me. So that way I have been comfortable. Only she keeps hugging me a lot. Actually I find they are very warm hugs, feels good to be in the arms of someone. I am lean and she is a bit fatter than me, though I won’t call her too fat.

She has good dress sense. Outside she is immaculately dressed. At home she is very casual, sometimes she doesn’t even know what she is showing off! That too surprised me, first thinking what sort of room mate I have got! Once she put such a loose top her cleavage and breasts were so visible and I wondered if she was dropping hints. It has been a new experience for me, since I haven’t been in a such a company. She has a good figure for a 20 something. She is better in that respect than me.

More later…

Today was not a busy day in office. One of those days quiet days when there wasn’t much work. Spent time understanding my new colleagues by going with them to the cafe and chatting with them.

For a change I came back early home today, and I had reached earlier than my room mate. After coming back, I usually dump the bag on the table and change to casuals, from jeans and shirt to a t-shirt and loose shorts, which comes till about the knee.

But today I found that I didn’t have the shorts. Of the three pairs I have, two were in the bucket of water for wash and one was hanging on the clothesline wet. Since I’d just moved into the new city I didn’t have lots of dresses. And I don’t feel comfortable being in the tight jeans at home.

Then I looked through the wardrobe wondering in what will be comfortable. I found a really short shorts, never realised I’d this one with me. That would be a little longer than the innerwear! Wondered if I should wear that.

Removed my jeans and pulled this short one up. Much of my thighs were exposed. Looked into the mirror. Not that my thighs are good to be exposed, but I liked the look! The t-shirt too wasn’t too long and just stopped at the hip.

After a while, my roommate came. Though I knew it was my roomie, when I went to open the door, I’d put on a towel over the shorts, just in case if someone too was there. On seeing me in the towel, she asked me, if I was in the bathroom. I said I’d nothing to wear. O, you poor… she taunted me.

Then, in one stroke, she pulled the towel off. That took me a bit surprise. “Ooops, you had this short one?” she asked with lot of stress on this. I was overcome by embarrassment and was blushing. But she is such a good, wonderful girl that I didn’t feel bad at all, but just wondered how she got around to pull the towel off, which took me by complete surprise.

“So, sorry, I really thought you were joking, and had just put the towel on,” she explained rather sheepishly. I said, “That’s okay, dear,” and patted her cheeks. But I noticed that she was looking at my thighs and even patted them a couple of times. That was a bit uncomfortable and I wondered if she was straight.

She had never given any such hints at all. Not that I haven’t had girls looking at my features, which are anyway not good at all. So always I think that they look there because I don’t have it big. Anyway, it kept me thinking about this little new development which began with the short shorts!

I have been busy over the past few days. But in between I could go home and be with the family. They have been quite concerned since this is the first time that I had left my home city and went to another city for a long time. So they were quite happy to see me back. They were asking whether I have got adjusted to the new place, about the food and how I was spending my time. Though I’ve been feeling bored and lonely in the new city, I generally said, the place and people are good. Also caught up with a few of my friends. They were asking questions with a wink: on whether I’d made friends, what type of friends, whether I am staying alone and all sorts of naughty questions. At home town, though I, like all people used to talk naughty stuff, I have been very quiet and shy. My siblings are extroverts and quite bold, but I am not so much like that. I was there for four days and now I am back.

I found a nearby gym and from yesterday I am back to exercising in the morning. It helps a lot to be fresh, positive and active through the day. This is the first time I will be going regularly going to a gym.

I used to do a few exercises home, the inspiration was our school physical training instructor who used to tell us about the goodness of exercising. A few months back, at the place I used to stay, I went into a gym and discovered that the treadmill and cycle were good. Ever since, I wanted to try out a gym more regularly.

But I am shy to be seen exercising in front of others. I alway think, what will other people think. They may keep looking at me. Because of that shyness I move to a corner of the room where not many people can directly see me. I am trying to overcome that.

Both guys and girls come to this gym. I see a couple of guys really working on their muscles. Sometimes the way they work so hard on it, looks a little unpleasant. Should one subject one’s body to so much of strain, beyond a particular extent: like trying to lift weight they can’t lift; and then they lift groaning and moaning! I doubt if that helps them in any way. Muscles are good, but not too much, like when it bulges out so much it actually looks ugly. Girls focus more on aerobics and stretching exercises.

I spend not more than 30 minutes there. I do treadmill, if that is occupied, then I do cycle. Then, I begin exercising, beginning from shoulder downwards. I swing and stretch my hands, then do bending exercises, and some for the knee as well. Then I lie down and do a few abdomen exercises. All the while I am conscious if others are looking at me. Hope I can overcome that.

All this I finish in 20 to 30 minutes. I feel this way it is much better than spending long hours in the gym.